Universal Types of Strip Club Customers

From hashtag-stripper-problems on Tumblr

These customers are somehow at every club. Add your own if he’s not here. Strippers/sex workers only, obviously. FSSWers feel free to add, too! The Quirky Tipper (not to be confused with the Dollar Bill Artist): Tips anything but actual money. Lotto tickets, candy bars, and if you’re lucky..maybe a receipt with his number on it! The Dollar Bill Artist: Spends all his time making intricate origami shapes out of dollar bills. Acts as though it is a grand gesture of love, and is disappointed when you react to it as….a folded-up single dollar bill. The Artist: He may be a musician, a painter, an author, etc. But he makes sure you know it. He may grace you with a portrait of your vulva, or ask you to check out his soundcloud. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a copy of his mixtape. He thinks it is the highest honor to be in a photo shoot of his. He probably brings a sketch book or notebook or pencil/pen to the club. He might write you poetry, draw a terrible portrait of you, or dedicate a song to you. The Talks-To-Himself: This guy has conversations with himself. He’s weird. He sits at the bar or at the stage and mumbles under his breath, drinking a single beer or bottle of water for hours. Dirty Santa: Self-explanatory. He straight up looks like Santa. Very hard to dance for, as his belly is….well…..Santa-like. He’s more pervy than your average big-bellied and bearded customer. Which is weird, because he looks like Santa. The Stripper Connoisseur: He’s like the food critic of the stripper world. Has been to every strip club ever. Has met every stripper ever. Has constructive criticism for you, the manager, the DJ, the owner…. Oh he may have even owned his own club in Las Vegas 10 years ago….Comments on outfits, shaving jobs, makeup and nails, song choice, lighting choice, drink prices, overall dancer “quality”, and your weight. Usually very very very racist. The Friend of the Staff (not to be confused with the Friend of the Owner): Thinks every bartender, door man, DJ, and waitress is his best friend. May have secret high-fives and everything. Knows everyone by name and makes sure you hear it. Tips minimally, because, you know, he’s your friend not a customer! The Friend of the Owner: Knows the owner. Obviously. You don’t know the owner. He does. He needs free drinks, high mileage, a specific song played, extra attention because HE KNOWS THE OWNER he doesn’t have to pay for anything because HE KNOWS THE OWNER. May threaten you subtly by saying he knows the owner in a more menacing voice. The “Gangster”: (not to be confused with the Gangster): Answers fake phone calls and talks loudly about “WHeres his money??”. Usually over 35. Has been to prison (maybe?). Gets $100 in one dollar bills and lays them out conspicuously. OR a young kid or group of young kids who sold pot once and now say they work in “trade” or “exporting” and wink at you. This type of “Gangster” gets bottle service and expects to be worshiped like their favorite rap idol. The Gangster: Dope-boy type. Wears terrible clothes his mama would kill him for wearing in public, but his Nikes are spotless. Will tell you openly that he is a drug dealer. Always smells like pot and/or is always high. Buys dances for all his friends and tips generously. The Promoter: Comes in to promote a bar, a party, a nightclub, a music video, a concert, a venue, a store, etc. Wants YOU to make money for HIM. Does not even consider where he is. The Definitely Not A Cop: Uses outdated drug lingo to ask where he can “score” some drugs. Typical flat-top or high-and-tight hair cut. Asks if you dance privately at his house. He might just be a lonely military dad who married for the benefits, but he definitely looks and acts like a cop. He’s also very offended when you mention he looks and acts and sounds like a cop. The Should Have Gone To Backpage: Looking for a fsswer but doesn’t want to pay their rates. Doesn’t even bother getting dances, just asks what you offer. Says he has a hotel nearby. Tells you how many other girls regularly do this for him. The Amateur Gynecologist: Sits very close to the stage and stares directly into your vagina as though it is the key to viewing his future and revealing the secrets of the next life. Upset if you don’t full-out Hustler “spread” for a dollar. Sometimes, he even has nice comments about your vagina! The Faithful Boyfriend/Husband/Fiancee: Can’t get a dance because he’s so faithful. He’s at a strip club, but it’s OK because he doesn’t get dances.

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The ogler That one dude who comes up to the stage and awkwardly stands there for the entire song, holding his dollar(s) and staring at you but not saying anything or setting the money down. He just stands there… staring… clutching his $. You can say hi or hold your garter out but he is unresponsive. Not to be confused with the guy who wants you to “work for it”. You’re never quite sure if this guy knows he’s being weird or if he’s just socially awkward and clueless.